60 Minutes


60 minutes

“Have you truly ever lived?”

“What?”

We were in a magazine store, there being a little time remaining on our parking meter. I wanted to buy a Globe and Mail, and Angela was dawdling by the Art Magazines. As I stood with her, the latest issue of Cosmopolitan Magazine caught my eye.

On the cover — and it is well-known that there is an article on Sex in every issue – screamed the heading: THE 60-MINUTE ORGASM.

Hmm. Interesting subject.

I turned to Angela, herself perusing more mundane articles on pottery and sculpture. “Have you really ever lived?” I asked her, pointing to the magazine cover.

She looked up for a split second. “Oh my,” she said, but her head immediately returned to the story she was absorbed in. Intrigued, I flipped through the magazine as fast as I could in order to enlighten myself. It took a while to find Page 46 (note to readers: Cosmopolitan Magazine does not put a page number on every page. On the contrary.). Finally I found it, accompanied by a tantalizing photo: How to achieve the 60-minute orgasm.

The article started very encouragingly, in fact, exhilaratingly, and I paraphrase: We at Cosmo pride ourselves at constantly bringing you everything we can on the subject of Sex, but this time we’ve managed to find some truly extraordinary information!!!

(Um, until next issue, I guess).

The article didn’t wait too long, however, to get to the point (no pun intended). The female orgasm remains the same (I assume that the article was about the female orgasm; my wife pulled me away before I get much more into it, oops). It is still, I don’t know, the one minute experience it always has been – a #10 on the scale. (I wonder if they sell this famous scale at WalMart, but I digress.) However, with practice, you can remain at #8, very close to orgasm although not quite there, for a very, very, very long time.

I managed to absorb all this in the first few sentences; interesting concepts immediately followed by brief descriptions of the various techniques sexperts say will prolong the bliss of sex — the ecstasy of #8 — for an extended period. Alas, the actual climax, which occurs at the end of the 60 minutes — or whenever, perhaps depending on your age – that sexual cliff whose edge you and your lover reach repeatedly without ever jumping (or falling) over, into the sweet waters below, still takes less than 60 seconds, as usual.

Disappointed, I left the magazine store with Angela. She had forgotten my challenging question in a flash. I’ve been thinking about it ever since.

So I ask you now, dear Reader: Have you truly ever lived?

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